Losing my faith didn't happen overnight. It’s been a long process of self-loathing, tug of war, hot and cold, on and off. I remember conversations with friends who aren't believers. They didn't give me one solid reason why. I remember questioning them in shock and horror like wow I can’t believe you don’t believe. When they shared their arguments and questions I came back at them with what I call cliché sentiments of “religious spit.”
THEM: So you’re saying anyone who doesn't believe that Jesus is the savior and acknowledges it devoting their life to serving Him will go to hell? All the people in the world, all the other religions are wrong.
ME: Yes. That’s what the bible says and the bible is truth.
THEM: Why do you believe the bible is truth? It was written centuries ago by MAN, parts of it left out and translated over time.
ME: Well yes God spoke through men to write it.
I said all of those things because that’s what I was surrounded by and heard my whole life without question. Now the script is reversed and I find myself unable to talk to religious people about losing my faith. I now know what it was like when my friends talked to me and why they told me to not bother talking about it with believers when I went back to them for guidance through the struggle of losing my faith.
“But you can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them.” ― Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451
I would say the trigger that got it all started was a horrible breakup. The use of God and “his will” throughout the relationship and ending of it opened my eyes to the cliché sentiments of religion and what people say and do, but why?
After the break up I joined a bible study. I tried being the Christian I was “supposed to be.” That was the first time I ever had deep intentional conversations about what it meant to be a believer. I started to realize I had no clue what I even believed. I didn't feel like I was good enough. I wasn't praying daily like all of them or waking up early to do devotions. At that point I became broken and started searching.
When a friend shared their struggles with homosexuality it made me see how people only make certain parts of the bible relevant today. I never got that close to an argument or scriptural debate. That’s when I started questioning the bible’s validity. Why did I believe everything in it to be true? Because that’s what I was told and how I was raised.
I had a scary visit to the ER where I thought for a moment I was dying. Everything was a blur and black and I thought to myself, “Is this it?” I didn't feel any spiritual comfort from Angels or God when I cried inside asking for help. And then my grandma dying made me ask what really happens when we die. Being beside her watching as she took her last breath took me to a place that I can’t even comprehend since the moment has passed. I became detached and tried crying out to “God” asking if he was real and what was going on but felt nothing. It just felt like that was it. We just die as if it is eternal sleep.
A friend of mine put it like this, “I think all of us hope and would love there to be something after we die. However, the reality of it is that none of us knows what happens after we die and just the fact that we hope there to be something should not make us believe that there IS something.”
I was afraid to fully let go of what I was raised believing for fear of being wrong and ending up in hell. But no matter how hard I tried to believe I just wasn't capable. If fear of hell is a way to make people believe then I think that’s pure evil. The idea of hell seems so subjective to legalistic standards. A God who is of grace and mercy sending a good man to hell who couldn't fully believe Christ as his savior and didn't live a life devoted to "making disciples" seems so wrong.
I also went back and forth trying to figure out what these "experiences" I had with God were. How could I doubt his existence if I experienced him? There were plenty of times I thought I experienced God. Then I started noticing at concerts or sporting events I got the same chills and feelings. I was attributing every day happenstance and emotions to God because I was taught to believe in him. When you look for something you'll find it and that's just what I did. I wanted to see God and feel him to know he was real so I turned things into my own personal proof. The mind is powerful and can believe what it wants.
“I don’t believe a billion Indians are going to hell. I don’t think we get cancer to learn life lessons. I don’t believe people die young because God needs another angel. I understand religion makes it easier to deal with all the random shitty things that happen to us and I wish I could get on that ride, but I can’t. Feelings aren't enough. I need it to be real.” That’s from an episode of Orange is the New Black on Netflix which spoke to me. It reminds me of all the cliché responses of religious spit and the fact that I've tried believing but I just can’t.
In reading “The Evolution of God” by Robert Wright I learned that since the beginning of time man has always created a higher being to explain things and find comfort. There are a million different beliefs and religions. Yet Christians claim Jesus is the ONLY way and truth. So who was this Jesus guy? Why is Christianity the only way? Everyone claims that their beliefs are true and THE way. That’s a whole lot of people believing very different things. Traveling to other countries around Europe and experiencing the people and culture only solidified how different we all are and in our beliefs as well. Jesus followers are only a small portion of this huge world and to say everyone else is damned to hell sounds both ignorant and arrogant to me.
I believed so deeply and was convinced that this guy I dated (the trigger) was meant for me and we were created for each other and would be together. I never believed something to be more true beyond a shadow of doubt. Yet I was wrong. And that taught me that we all have the power to believe in what we want to believe in. We are all unique in our beliefs. It’s all perception. I perceive my experiences to prove what I believe to be truth and others perceive what they've experienced to be their truth. None of us, no one on this earth, will ever have solid evidence to back up what we believe outside of our own individual experience and perception.
I can hear religious reactions to my transparent heart telling me I’m being “attacked by the enemy” and I need to “hold tight to the hand of God.” The truth is nothing anyone says will make me be able to believe like I once did. I believed because I knew nothing else. People say the world is going to crap with legalizing marijuana and gay marriage. You can look at the bible and see progressivism. Times change and old laws are replaced with new laws. With the advances in technology information is easily accessible and the world is getting smaller. I would say the statistics of my generation losing their faith can be directly correlated to education. We were born into a digital age with the ability to learn about diversity and hear about other ways of life. In the past people kept to themselves and knew nothing outside of their little neighborhood or church service. There was nothing around to make them question what they believed.
“Give me a man or woman who has read a thousand books and you give me an interesting companion. Give me a man or woman who has read perhaps three and you give me a very dangerous enemy indeed.” ― Anne Rice, The Witching Hour
"Information is all around us, now more than ever before in human history. You barely have to stir or incommode yourself to find things out. The only reason people do not know much is because they do not care to know. They are incurious. Incuriosity is the oddest and most foolish failing there is.” ― Stephen Fry, The Fry Chronicles
So if all the religious people want to condemn me to hell for where I stand then good for them. Sometimes I wonder if religion does more harm than good. I’m more angry with religion now than ever because in the end it hurt me more than anything. It’s like I was fed lies my whole life to cope with the hard times. It’s not easy facing the realization of everything you ever knew or thought you believed your whole life isn't necessarily true.
“One of the truly bad effects of religion is that it teaches us that it is a virtue to be satisfied with not understanding.” ― Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
It’s not easy walking away. You let loved ones down and get ridiculed. No one wants to disappoint their family, but I’d be disappointing myself if I faked believing something just to get by. I’m not denying that there could be some higher being because I don’t know. I just know that I can’t jump on the bandwagon of legalistic religion following man-made rules to make it to an afterlife that I’m not even sure exists. I’m no different than I was before. Non-religious people have good morals too. I never pushed my beliefs on anyone before and I don’t plan to now. Because the truth is we all believe what we want to believe.
THEM: So you’re saying anyone who doesn't believe that Jesus is the savior and acknowledges it devoting their life to serving Him will go to hell? All the people in the world, all the other religions are wrong.
ME: Yes. That’s what the bible says and the bible is truth.
THEM: Why do you believe the bible is truth? It was written centuries ago by MAN, parts of it left out and translated over time.
ME: Well yes God spoke through men to write it.
I said all of those things because that’s what I was surrounded by and heard my whole life without question. Now the script is reversed and I find myself unable to talk to religious people about losing my faith. I now know what it was like when my friends talked to me and why they told me to not bother talking about it with believers when I went back to them for guidance through the struggle of losing my faith.
“But you can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them.” ― Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451
I would say the trigger that got it all started was a horrible breakup. The use of God and “his will” throughout the relationship and ending of it opened my eyes to the cliché sentiments of religion and what people say and do, but why?
After the break up I joined a bible study. I tried being the Christian I was “supposed to be.” That was the first time I ever had deep intentional conversations about what it meant to be a believer. I started to realize I had no clue what I even believed. I didn't feel like I was good enough. I wasn't praying daily like all of them or waking up early to do devotions. At that point I became broken and started searching.
When a friend shared their struggles with homosexuality it made me see how people only make certain parts of the bible relevant today. I never got that close to an argument or scriptural debate. That’s when I started questioning the bible’s validity. Why did I believe everything in it to be true? Because that’s what I was told and how I was raised.
I had a scary visit to the ER where I thought for a moment I was dying. Everything was a blur and black and I thought to myself, “Is this it?” I didn't feel any spiritual comfort from Angels or God when I cried inside asking for help. And then my grandma dying made me ask what really happens when we die. Being beside her watching as she took her last breath took me to a place that I can’t even comprehend since the moment has passed. I became detached and tried crying out to “God” asking if he was real and what was going on but felt nothing. It just felt like that was it. We just die as if it is eternal sleep.
A friend of mine put it like this, “I think all of us hope and would love there to be something after we die. However, the reality of it is that none of us knows what happens after we die and just the fact that we hope there to be something should not make us believe that there IS something.”
I was afraid to fully let go of what I was raised believing for fear of being wrong and ending up in hell. But no matter how hard I tried to believe I just wasn't capable. If fear of hell is a way to make people believe then I think that’s pure evil. The idea of hell seems so subjective to legalistic standards. A God who is of grace and mercy sending a good man to hell who couldn't fully believe Christ as his savior and didn't live a life devoted to "making disciples" seems so wrong.
I also went back and forth trying to figure out what these "experiences" I had with God were. How could I doubt his existence if I experienced him? There were plenty of times I thought I experienced God. Then I started noticing at concerts or sporting events I got the same chills and feelings. I was attributing every day happenstance and emotions to God because I was taught to believe in him. When you look for something you'll find it and that's just what I did. I wanted to see God and feel him to know he was real so I turned things into my own personal proof. The mind is powerful and can believe what it wants.
“I don’t believe a billion Indians are going to hell. I don’t think we get cancer to learn life lessons. I don’t believe people die young because God needs another angel. I understand religion makes it easier to deal with all the random shitty things that happen to us and I wish I could get on that ride, but I can’t. Feelings aren't enough. I need it to be real.” That’s from an episode of Orange is the New Black on Netflix which spoke to me. It reminds me of all the cliché responses of religious spit and the fact that I've tried believing but I just can’t.
In reading “The Evolution of God” by Robert Wright I learned that since the beginning of time man has always created a higher being to explain things and find comfort. There are a million different beliefs and religions. Yet Christians claim Jesus is the ONLY way and truth. So who was this Jesus guy? Why is Christianity the only way? Everyone claims that their beliefs are true and THE way. That’s a whole lot of people believing very different things. Traveling to other countries around Europe and experiencing the people and culture only solidified how different we all are and in our beliefs as well. Jesus followers are only a small portion of this huge world and to say everyone else is damned to hell sounds both ignorant and arrogant to me.
I believed so deeply and was convinced that this guy I dated (the trigger) was meant for me and we were created for each other and would be together. I never believed something to be more true beyond a shadow of doubt. Yet I was wrong. And that taught me that we all have the power to believe in what we want to believe in. We are all unique in our beliefs. It’s all perception. I perceive my experiences to prove what I believe to be truth and others perceive what they've experienced to be their truth. None of us, no one on this earth, will ever have solid evidence to back up what we believe outside of our own individual experience and perception.
I can hear religious reactions to my transparent heart telling me I’m being “attacked by the enemy” and I need to “hold tight to the hand of God.” The truth is nothing anyone says will make me be able to believe like I once did. I believed because I knew nothing else. People say the world is going to crap with legalizing marijuana and gay marriage. You can look at the bible and see progressivism. Times change and old laws are replaced with new laws. With the advances in technology information is easily accessible and the world is getting smaller. I would say the statistics of my generation losing their faith can be directly correlated to education. We were born into a digital age with the ability to learn about diversity and hear about other ways of life. In the past people kept to themselves and knew nothing outside of their little neighborhood or church service. There was nothing around to make them question what they believed.
“Give me a man or woman who has read a thousand books and you give me an interesting companion. Give me a man or woman who has read perhaps three and you give me a very dangerous enemy indeed.” ― Anne Rice, The Witching Hour
"Information is all around us, now more than ever before in human history. You barely have to stir or incommode yourself to find things out. The only reason people do not know much is because they do not care to know. They are incurious. Incuriosity is the oddest and most foolish failing there is.” ― Stephen Fry, The Fry Chronicles
So if all the religious people want to condemn me to hell for where I stand then good for them. Sometimes I wonder if religion does more harm than good. I’m more angry with religion now than ever because in the end it hurt me more than anything. It’s like I was fed lies my whole life to cope with the hard times. It’s not easy facing the realization of everything you ever knew or thought you believed your whole life isn't necessarily true.
“One of the truly bad effects of religion is that it teaches us that it is a virtue to be satisfied with not understanding.” ― Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
It’s not easy walking away. You let loved ones down and get ridiculed. No one wants to disappoint their family, but I’d be disappointing myself if I faked believing something just to get by. I’m not denying that there could be some higher being because I don’t know. I just know that I can’t jump on the bandwagon of legalistic religion following man-made rules to make it to an afterlife that I’m not even sure exists. I’m no different than I was before. Non-religious people have good morals too. I never pushed my beliefs on anyone before and I don’t plan to now. Because the truth is we all believe what we want to believe.
Hey Girl,
ReplyDeleteJust read your blog and more than anything, I love your raw honesty. I love that you are being honest with yourself to move forward. I love that you are not afraid to question things you believe in. Your post resonated with me somewhat because I was in (still am, kinda) in the same kind of situation.
Grew up in the church and Jesus is all I've known my whole life. I read extensively to find the "right" answers to give people who asked about Christianity. But for the most part avoided such questions, because naturally I don't like controversy.
These past few months, I've been questioning what I believe and might even say I went through a period of unbelief because I couldn't come to terms with some of the teachings of the bible(still haven't really). I'll say I'm still asking questions and still trying to be open to it all.
What I will say is, like Peter said to Jesus in John, "Lord to whom shall we go?" I've thought of leaving you know, but I have no where else to go. I've just really been praying to truly experience God fully. You know when you have an amazing experience from travelling and it's alive in you and you can sort of explain it to people freely, fully believing what you are saying because YOU experienced it. That's what I want.
I think one of the reasons why I'm still going is because of the passion I feel from certain preachers like Carl Lentz and Jonathan Martin when they talk about him. Check this blog post out: http://pastorjonathanmartin.com/uncategorized/finding-god-in-the-ambiguity
(it's not preachy preachy to make you feel guilty or anything, just sharing what has helped me)
P.S: Don't even pay attention to the "religious" people who are ready to throw stones. I'm in your corner, girl. I hope you find the answers you so desperately need. Oh and I'm going to France next week to study abroad! So excited :D
Sincerely,
A Girl who barely has it all together xx
LJ,
ReplyDeleteGreat post, I would like to think that many many other people of all ages can identify with losing faith. I wont annoy/bore you with what my beliefs are because quite honestly it doesn't matter what I believe or don't believe. I simply want to offer a different perspective. "I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back"
Have you considered the possibility that your not actually losing your faith at all but simply redefining what it means to you to have faith? You see I would argue that you have plenty of faith. You are willing and able to have an honest conversation about your own faith, which implies that you believe you at least have some to talk about. To have some is to have enough. It is often hard for people to swallow that you don't need to go to church, wake up early to do devotion, or pray consistently to have a meaningful relationship with God. People fear what they don't understand and fear is generally met with scrutiny so when you admit that you don't do what they do you become the faithless wonder that needs saving. The way I see it is this, your relationship with God is exactly that, yours. I could sit here and type out why I do or don't have faith but quite honestly you don't care, and you shouldn't. However, I think we would both agree that having a relationship, whatever it is, is better than not having one at all. Personally I think that by owning that relationship, whatever it may be, is the largest display of faith one could have. So ease up on yourself, you haven't purchased tickets to the Hades show just yet.
One last thing, because you mentioned a friends struggle with homosexuality and our generation changing the status quo, I wanted to leave you with this quote from the HBO show The Newsroom:
"I'm a registered Republican, I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage." - Aaron Sorkin
-Matt
I enjoyed your post, greatly written, and nobody can argue with that regardless of their level of agreement.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to preach to you either, and I see no sin in questioning faith. There's a lot to ponder. My church is in the middle of a series about how Christ's returning is nearing and that there are signs of it.
It led me to have a little discussion with a friend, who is unchurched, and since she's such a kind and caring person I worry about the thought of getting banished to hell because she's never accepted Christ.
She asked, 'Explain to me how murderers, rapists and such can go to heaven and I can be a good person and go to hell because I don't have faith?"
I had no answer...that's the type of thing I question.
While reading your post I reminded of a quote I heard Bill Cunningham say on the radio once and has stuck with me. "I'd rather spend my life believing there is a God and there not be, than spend it not believing and there is."
Really enjoyed your unfiltered thoughts, Lauren. After my Mom passed away somewhat suddenly (and later my faith), this quote from Richard Dawkins allowed me to find peace with mortality:
ReplyDelete“We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?”
Hey Lauren! I stumbled upon your blog for the first time today. I am not sure how that happened because I have been following your journey for years now! Anyways! I am so glad I did. I just scrolled to the bottom and read this one first. I don't like to discuss religion or politics out loud so I just wanted to say, Thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for you. Thank you for all you do. Love, Stephanie Marker
ReplyDelete