Broken & Searching

So much has changed since I finished college and entered the grown up world of responsibility, independence and working to make a living. Many things are not how I once perceived them to be. No invincibility, forever young or one way of living. I like to think of it as the curtain getting pulled on the Wizard of Oz.

1. Death
2. Life
3. Society
4. Faith

Experiencing the feeling that I was about to die during an ER visit and losing my grandma have drastically changed my perspectives on life and death. That in return has created lots of questions about how life even began and its purpose. How did I even get on this earth? Why am I here? What happens when we die? Some have different answers, others just accept there may not be one definite. I always went with the answer that God created man and after serving Him in this life we would have eternal life in heaven.

I grew up in the church, but I can't honestly tell you what I even believed all of those years. I accepted everything I was told without question. Some may call it childlike faith. Being an impressionable child, I naturally took on the vocabulary and actions of those around me. I've lived a life of playing church without even realizing it. The problem was I did what I was taught and observed without finding answers on my own.

Isaiah 29:13-14

It took being severely hurt by the use of "God's will" and attributing it to aspects of a relationship and choices made, to realize I had no idea what I believed or why. I too believed and said the relationship was all God, but in the end I was just repeating words that everyone else around me seemed to use. I struggle with trusting my own discernment now.

Since then I find myself steering clear of using what I call cliché sentiments of “religious spit.” People can throw around prayer, scripture, God's name or His will too easily. I don't want to unless I'm sure that's what I genuinely believe and feel rather than just following the "Christianity script." Cliché Christian vocabulary now leaves me asking, "What does that even mean?" You won't hear me say, "God showed me this. God told me this. God called me here. This is God's will." Instead it sounds kind of like, "I learned this through this situation. I came to this conclusion. I choose to be here. This is part of life."

Society has a way of shaping our thoughts and telling us how certain things in life should look. A problem with that can be perception versus reality. Then again you could argue that one's perception is their reality. One action or sentence can be perceived a million different ways. Why do you think the outfit you're wearing looks good? Somewhere along the line, the images you consumed influenced your thoughts and shaped your idea of fashion. Pictures on your news feed, television, movies, your friends' clothes...

I've had to completely start over. I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I believe. What does my faith look like? I find perspectives of how my walk with the Lord "should look" interfering and become overwhelmed. These perspectives come from observing other Christians around me. Why do I feel like less of a Christian because I didn't sell my things and start an orphanage dedicating my life to serve others?

I want to differentiate between obligation and authentic action. Why do I do the things I do? I'm not good at making time to study scripture or spending time in prayer. I've always felt this pressure that I needed to have long, thought out prayer time and do daily devotionals. Maybe it is all the instagram photos of Starbucks and bibles. I feel incapable of consistently doing that with an authentic heart and it feels more like an obligation. I've heard the cliché sentiments of “religious spit” say those things are spiritual discipline, but I'm not sure I even understand that with where I'm at right now.

Religion has created an environment of check boxes that Christians strive to attain in order to be the "best" Christian. Everyone has their own way of living and believes it is the right way. That's a whole lot of people believing very different things. I'm done feeling like I'm not doing things the "right" way. I refuse to fake it. This is me: broken, transparent and searching for truth.