Hi my name is Lauren Johnson and I'm a recovering serial dater.
Leaving a life of constant affection, attention and affirmation from guys... I made the choice to be intentionally single for all of 2013. I don't know that I've ever been truly single for long. However, that depends on your definition of single.
I'm about to finish month two of the intentionally single life. One problem has been that I didn't make definite boundaries around what single meant to me. I only clarified that I didn't want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship and the rationale of that decision was simple: I tend to give my all in everything I do, especially relationships. I was constantly putting everything into the guy I was dating and often forgot about my own self and identity. By removing the guy I'm removing the distraction that keeps me from giving my all to myself and becoming the woman I am destined to be.
I've learned a lot in these last two months. The desire for an exclusive relationship is currently not there, so that part has been easy. However, the desire and longing for attention and affection has become even more evident. Self-control and discipline do not come easy for me. My past is full of satisfying that longing for attention, affection and affirmation in any way possible without even consciously realizing it. The half thought out dating standards were always compromised with the lack of self-control and discipline to satisfy a desire. It's so easy to find myself getting flirtatious or wanting a guy to notice me. There are even days when I feel good about my outfit, how I look that day and just want to be seen. But why? Why do I need that affirmation? If I feel good before being seen I shouldn't need to fulfill the want of being seen.
I don't have the most glamorous dating history. A problem for some time was that I didn't have a strong sense of my worth or value. It was a slow fade of losing that when I began to settle in order to satisfy. If there's one thing I've learned it is that we get what we tolerate and settling doesn't satisfy. For the longest time I blamed guys for making me feel like I was of no value or worth, not cherished or loved. Truth is, I allowed their actions which made me feel that way.
This month I've been tempted with a guy who has made great efforts in showing me attention and it's been a struggle. This particular guy was clear on my choice to be single for the year. When I say struggle, I mean choosing to have a moment of weakness to satisfy these desires, and then dealing with the aftermath later. If my past tells me anything it is that the aftermath is not worth it. I've been asked, "What if you find the guy you're supposed to be with this year?" I firmly believe if I find that man he will support me and do his best to make sure I stick to my commitment. I was only struggling with this guy because he started to fill the attention role.
Here is where I begin to redefine my singleness for the year. The problem with attention outside of commitment can be the intention or lack there of. A lesson I've learned: Attention can be flattering, but remember you're enough without it. Only accept genuine attention. Respect yourselves enough to see when a guy is using you as a distraction with no intention of commitment or sincere interest. The same can be applied in reverse: Don't turn guys into your distraction. If not ready to consider a lifelong commitment, better to avoid monopolizing another person's affections.
In our new digital world it can be easy to allow social media to fill gaps of loneliness. Don't bite the bait of boys who are passive with "liking" and "replying" to all your posts. This is one of my biggest pet peeves! Social media has impaired a man's intentional pursuit of a relationship. A real man will start intentional conversation.
I long for something that is genuine and real, full of passion and loyalty. I got in many relationships that shouldn't have started because of that longing. Part of me truly believed that once I found that person to spend forever with that life would get easier. To have someone by your side through everything would make things better than if you faced life alone. I couldn't wait on my fairy tale so I tried creating it on my own and forced it in some circumstances.
So here I am, two months in. I might have been able to stay technically single, but I've allowed attention to derail me from my focus. This single year is to invest in myself, an opportunity to refine my character and chart the course for who I want to be and what I want to accomplish.
Follow my journey on Twitter. @Lady_LaurenJ #Single2013
Leaving a life of constant affection, attention and affirmation from guys... I made the choice to be intentionally single for all of 2013. I don't know that I've ever been truly single for long. However, that depends on your definition of single.
I'm about to finish month two of the intentionally single life. One problem has been that I didn't make definite boundaries around what single meant to me. I only clarified that I didn't want to be in an exclusive, committed relationship and the rationale of that decision was simple: I tend to give my all in everything I do, especially relationships. I was constantly putting everything into the guy I was dating and often forgot about my own self and identity. By removing the guy I'm removing the distraction that keeps me from giving my all to myself and becoming the woman I am destined to be.
I've learned a lot in these last two months. The desire for an exclusive relationship is currently not there, so that part has been easy. However, the desire and longing for attention and affection has become even more evident. Self-control and discipline do not come easy for me. My past is full of satisfying that longing for attention, affection and affirmation in any way possible without even consciously realizing it. The half thought out dating standards were always compromised with the lack of self-control and discipline to satisfy a desire. It's so easy to find myself getting flirtatious or wanting a guy to notice me. There are even days when I feel good about my outfit, how I look that day and just want to be seen. But why? Why do I need that affirmation? If I feel good before being seen I shouldn't need to fulfill the want of being seen.
I don't have the most glamorous dating history. A problem for some time was that I didn't have a strong sense of my worth or value. It was a slow fade of losing that when I began to settle in order to satisfy. If there's one thing I've learned it is that we get what we tolerate and settling doesn't satisfy. For the longest time I blamed guys for making me feel like I was of no value or worth, not cherished or loved. Truth is, I allowed their actions which made me feel that way.
This month I've been tempted with a guy who has made great efforts in showing me attention and it's been a struggle. This particular guy was clear on my choice to be single for the year. When I say struggle, I mean choosing to have a moment of weakness to satisfy these desires, and then dealing with the aftermath later. If my past tells me anything it is that the aftermath is not worth it. I've been asked, "What if you find the guy you're supposed to be with this year?" I firmly believe if I find that man he will support me and do his best to make sure I stick to my commitment. I was only struggling with this guy because he started to fill the attention role.
Here is where I begin to redefine my singleness for the year. The problem with attention outside of commitment can be the intention or lack there of. A lesson I've learned: Attention can be flattering, but remember you're enough without it. Only accept genuine attention. Respect yourselves enough to see when a guy is using you as a distraction with no intention of commitment or sincere interest. The same can be applied in reverse: Don't turn guys into your distraction. If not ready to consider a lifelong commitment, better to avoid monopolizing another person's affections.
In our new digital world it can be easy to allow social media to fill gaps of loneliness. Don't bite the bait of boys who are passive with "liking" and "replying" to all your posts. This is one of my biggest pet peeves! Social media has impaired a man's intentional pursuit of a relationship. A real man will start intentional conversation.
I long for something that is genuine and real, full of passion and loyalty. I got in many relationships that shouldn't have started because of that longing. Part of me truly believed that once I found that person to spend forever with that life would get easier. To have someone by your side through everything would make things better than if you faced life alone. I couldn't wait on my fairy tale so I tried creating it on my own and forced it in some circumstances.
So here I am, two months in. I might have been able to stay technically single, but I've allowed attention to derail me from my focus. This single year is to invest in myself, an opportunity to refine my character and chart the course for who I want to be and what I want to accomplish.
Follow my journey on Twitter. @Lady_LaurenJ #Single2013
Wow... Thank you so much for sharing, Lauren... for opening your heart with these confessions and similar experiences. I'm younger than you, and don't have any experience in "real" dating, but the craving of attention and being seen has definitely been a struggle of mine, as well. However, I never really realized it until reading this post. So, thank you. God has used you to show me more ways I need to grow and change. <3
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