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An Old Me Came to Visit

Here I am, back writing after four years... revisiting a Lauren from THEN who lived a lie that went something like this:

"I can't be me... If I show struggle, If I ask the hard questions... I'll be told stupid things that don't make sense. Just fake it so they leave you alone, save yourself the confusion of never getting it."

 Having been raised in the church I observed how others talked, acted, their testimonies... I would try so hard to find anything that resembled that in my life... I started to believe my own faking and craved experiences to validate what I so badly did not understand deep down. 

It became a game of forcing scenarios, everything from thinking God told me this... to God gave me this... look at me, look at me... I'm such a good example of Christ! These were my explanations when I got laid off from my first job out of college in 2011 and unwillingly returned to Dayton.

The scariest part -- I believed it. Before I knew it I had created an entirely false identity. In 2012, at my worst I was so sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I found "the one." When that didn't work out my world came tumbling down... I walked away from religion entirely. A horrible mourning process as I shed my false identities.

I lost myself. Who was I? I didn't even know. More lies came...

 "You aren't worthy to experience whatever this life of abundance is people speak of. What do you have to offer? Just blend in."

 I questioned this for a while... it was a slow process. I faced the lies I told myself head on. 
My journey since then has felt like an accelerated whirlwind of self-discovery and living a life so free. I found an aliveness I never experienced. Everything I longed to understand and experience came when I left the dogmatic, fear-based culture of "you have to." 

 As I continued on this awakened journey I found myself making a full circle and drawn back into a church scene in April 2017. The difference was this time it was by my choice and from an authentic connection outside of the church. Individuals who were the most Christ-like church going people I had ever encountered. I had a new appreciation, I could resonate with the teachings and enjoyed it. 

However, I wasn't prepared for what would happen next... the Lauren who felt she couldn't be herself and doubted what she could contribute came rushing back in. I resisted her when she came back. Then I found the compassion to embrace her. She's still here hanging out for now. This time, she doesn't need to lie and hide. 

 Let's see how this goes...

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